Embrace the Evolving Self: You're Not Losing, But Becoming

Recently, I had the privilege of speaking with someone who recently celebrated their 30th birthday. As they reflected on their twenties, there was a sense of nostalgia—mixed with uncertainty. “I don’t know how to categorize what I’m feeling,” they shared. “It’s almost like I’m mourning my twenties. The things that used to excite me don’t anymore. Was I even truly myself in my twenties, or was I just seeking acceptance?”

Their honesty struck a chord. How many of us, at life’s many crossroads, have looked back and wondered: Am I losing myself? Have I outgrown my former passions, or am I just drifting?

The Myth of Losing Yourself

Oftentimes, I've heard it said—and may have even said it myself in certain situations— “I’ve lost myself.” But what does that mean, exactly? How does one lose themselves? In those instances that I’ve heard the terminology used, the individuals were referring to their previous selves before certain significant life occurrences. Maybe it was marriage, having children, caring for aging loved ones, growing older. Whatever the reason, these individuals have taken a look back and longed for the “them” that they remember themselves to be prior to life changes.

If we are not careful, holding this perspective of times gone by can morph into resentment, depression, and a feeling of hopelessness. We begin to believe that we have lost something essential, that our current selves are somehow lesser than our past selves. But I am here on this journey of mind renewal WITH you, to help us all look differently at what we look at; to think differently about what we think about.

With that thought in mind, I submit to you that we are not losing and have not lost who we were. Who we are is a result of who we have been. Not remaining in that time and space means that we are living and evolving, which is a positive thing, not a negative. It is something to celebrate, not to mourn.

A New Lens: Growth, Not Loss

The truth is, we are not abandoning who we were. We’re building upon it. We are learning ourselves as a 30-year-old versus a 20-year-old—or a 40-year-old, 50-year-old, or beyond—growing, stretching, and evolving. In fact, this is not only normal, but scriptural. The Apostle Paul writes, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11, NKJV).

Our interests, values, and perspectives change—and they should. It’s a sign that we are maturing, responding to new seasons of life, and making space for God to do a deeper work in us. What once energized us may no longer fit, not because we’ve lost our way, but because we’re on the journey of becoming.

As a 60-year-old, I choose not to mourn my 30’s, or any other decade in life. I choose to look back on it and pray to continue learning from it and expect it to catapult me into another amazing decade of life. Who I was then played an important role in who I have become now, and for every contribution to this time in my life, I am grateful.

So, allow me to encourage you to never consider change as having lost yourself. Rather, consider it as the amazing opportunity that it is to grow beyond who you once were into the person you are becoming.

Forgetting What’s Behind

There’s another passage that speaks to this process: “But one thing I do: forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead” (Philippians 3:13, NKJV). Paul isn’t advocating for amnesia, but for a forward-focused mindset. Our past—its successes and failures—can become either a chain that holds us back or a foundation we build upon.

Letting go doesn’t mean dismissing who we were. It means blessing those experiences for the role they played and allowing ourselves to move with hope into the next chapter.

There is a spiritual art to moving forward. Paul said it when he said that after he became a man, he put away childish things. Let's change maturely rather than childishly. To mourn previous decades of life is to, in essence, pout about the fact that we are growing up. Change isn't loss, it’s an opportunity to reveal a deeper identity. In the absence of change, there are things that we wouldn't know about ourselves. We are smarter than we thought, more resilient than we imagined, tougher than we would know, had not change required us to dig deeper.

Looking Forward With Hope

So, to the one who wonders if they are “losing themselves,” I offer this: you are not lost. You are being found layer by layer, year by year, as you lean into who God is shaping you to be. The discomfort you feel isn’t a sign of failure; it’s evidence of growth.

Instead of mourning the chapters that are closing, let’s celebrate what’s ahead. Ask yourself:

• What new passions is God stirring in my heart?

• What lessons from my twenties—or any decade—serve as wisdom for my future?

• How can I intentionally build upon my foundation to make these years even better?

  
  

Conclusion: Rethink Change, Embrace Becoming

So, look back, remember, and move beyond nostalgia into a position that welcomes the person you’re becoming. Rethink change. Choose to make way for the new rather than mourn the past. Exchange thoughts of what was and entertain the opportunities of what can be. Move forward with purpose. No need to rewrite your former story—simply move forward with purpose and write a new chapter.

Let go to grow and find yourself in life’s next chapter. Fondly recall the past, be intentional in the present, and celebrate who you are becoming. There is beauty in self-discovery. You’re not losing but becoming. Embrace the evolving self.

Call to Action: Take a few moments this week to reflect: What are you ready to lay down from the past, and what are you excited to pick up for your future? Share your thoughts in the comments or send me a message—I’d love to hear your story.

Coach

Kathryn