Lessons Learned: Parenting Young Adults—When to Hang On and When to Let Go

As parents, our desire to support, guide, and nurture our children doesn’t simply end when they reach adulthood. In fact, for many of us, the journey of parenting young adults presents a unique set of challenges and opportunities for growth—both for them and for us.

One of the most frequent requests I receive as a coach and as a parent is to “just listen.” Young adults, navigating the complexities of new careers, relationships, financial independence, and identity, often seek a sounding board when life feels overwhelming. We are there, ready to lend an ear, offer support, and remind them of their resilience and resourcefulness.

But here’s a lesson I’ve learned—one I continue to learn, even now: Once the crisis has passed or the challenge is resolved, updates are rare. If we inquire about the outcome, our questions can be perceived as intrusion, even if our intention is simply to show care. The door to communication often seems to swing open only in one direction—toward us, during times of need, and then closed until the next challenge arises.

This can be a tough pill to swallow. After all, as parents, we want to remain connected and involved. We want to celebrate victories, not just troubleshoot problems. But the reality is, part of parenting young adults means learning when to hang on and when to let go.

Here are a few lessons that have shaped my approach:

1. Identify and Accept Your Role (As They Deem Necessary):

   Our role as parents shifts as our children mature. Sometimes, they need us to be listeners, sometimes cheerleaders, and sometimes simply a silent presence in the background. It’s important to respect the boundaries they set, even when we wish things were different.

   
   

2. Don’t Take It Personally (Easier said than done, trust me, I know):

   Their perceived distance isn’t a reflection of our worth or the quality of our relationship. It’s a part of their individuation process—essential for their growth and confidence. We must remind ourselves: their independence is not rejection.

   
   

3. Resist the Urge to Offer Unsolicited Advice:

   We may have a wealth of wisdom and experience, but unless asked, it’s often best left unsaid. Young adults often seem to be seeking validation for their feelings, not necessarily solutions. Letting them know we trust their judgment can be the greatest gift.

   
   

4. Practice Healthy Detachment:

   This doesn’t mean ceasing to care; it means remaining emotionally available without becoming enmeshed in their struggles. It is vital that we keep our own boundaries in place, so we can be present and supportive without losing our peace.

   
   

5. Celebrate Their Growth—Even Quietly:

   Even when we’re not updated on every milestone, we must learn to trust that our influence is woven into the fabric of their lives. Pray for them, cheer them on from a distance, and be ready to listen when they need us next.

   
   

Parenting young adults is a delicate dance of presence and distance, wisdom and restraint. It requires us to stretch and grow, to surrender control, and to trust both God’s hand and the solid foundation we’ve helped lay.

So today, if you find yourself wondering how much to hang on or when to let go, know that you are not alone. This is the sacred work of parenting—loving deeply, giving freely, and letting go gracefully.

Blessings,

Coach Kathryn

Hold them close as much as possible. Learn to let go when necessary.