The Power of Tone: Understanding What’s Unspoken

Recently, I’ve found myself reflecting on something that seems simple yet carries incredible weight: the tone of our communication. Perhaps it’s always been present, but only now have I truly started to recognize just how much tone shapes our interactions, especially in an age dominated by texts instead of face-to-face conversation.

It’s undeniable, texting and digital messages have revolutionized the way we connect. It’s often faster, more convenient, and allows us to reach people across distances we might never travel. Yet, despite all its benefits, technology hasn’t erased the age-old challenge of conveying the right tone. In fact, it may have intensified the challenge.

When we speak, tone is layered in our voices—the warmth of encouragement, the firmness of a warning, the joy of good news, or the gentleness of comfort. These undertones are instantly understood, often subconsciously. But when we read words on a screen, we’re left to imagine the tone, to fill in the blanks with our own assumptions, experiences, and sometimes, our own insecurities. That’s where things can go awry.

Here’s a real-life example: I once relayed a message to someone—a message that was already at risk of losing meaning as it was passed along, much like what happens in the “telephone game,” where a message can change as each person repeats it in turn. I was present when this person passed the message along to someone else. To my surprise, the tone with which they delivered it shifted the entire dynamic. What began as a simple explanation for someone’s absence was relayed in a way that made it sound as if they were being dismissive or uncooperative—when in reality, their message was entirely reasonable and polite. I realized, in that moment, that what we say—especially when we’re repeating someone else’s words—is always filtered through our own interpretation, and that filter is deeply colored by tone.

If tone can be so easily distorted in spoken hearsay, how much more so when we communicate in writing? When we read a message, we must make assumptions about the sender’s intent. Was that short reply meant to be curt, or simply efficient? Was the question an expression of curiosity, or a challenge? Our assumptions can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or even conflict, all because of a misread tone.

Assumption, I’ve learned, isn’t always our friend—especially when it comes to interpreting the intent behind a written message. That’s why I want to encourage you, and myself, to be mindful of tone in two key ways: when we read, and when we repeat.

First, when we read a message, let's pause before reacting. Ask ourselves: Is there another way this could be intended? Could my own mood or expectations be coloring the tone I perceive? Giving the benefit of the doubt can save relationships and prevent unnecessary hurt.

Second, when we repeat a message—whether we’re sharing someone’s words in conversation or forwarding a text—be mindful of the tone we use. Are we expressing it as it was meant to be received? Or, unintentionally, are we changing its spirit? Our tone can make the difference between a message that uplifts and one that wounds, between a thought that connects and one that divides.

In the end, tone is the silent partner in all our communication. It can’t always be seen or heard, but it’s always felt. In a world where so much is said but not always spoken, let’s strive to be intentional about how we send, receive, and share our messages. Our attention to tone might be the very thing that ensures our words are received as a gift, rather than a burden.

Let’s read—and repeat—with care. The difference may be greater than we think.

Coach

Kathryn